Just Call Me Jack

I spent twenty dollars on juice. Juice!

Let me explain.

I have a cold, and I’m a mess over it. I made myself go to work Wednesday because, it’s just a cold, after all. Well, that was a mistake. I lost my voice by mid-morning, and I was slowly getting closer to the keyboard with every key stroke as I wrote pieces of a story that probably won’t make sense today.

Just before noon, I caved and asked my boss if I could go home. I had gotten a flat tire in the morning, because life can be really hilarious sometimes, so a friend from work took me home.

I napped for hours and N fed me all the things you feed people with a cold. Thursday morning I felt…still terrible, but much better than the day before. I got ready and left my apartment early to swing by a Starbucks. On the way there, I realized that I didn’t want coffee, but there was one of those fancy juicing places right next door to the Starbucks in Nichols Hills.

I walked into this sleek and clean room. There was a young woman behind the counter with long brown hair, a bright face, and a warm smile. I told her I had never been there before and that I had a cold, so that I was looking for something that might help make me feel better.

That is when everything gets a little blurry. She said a lot of fancy words about their fancy juices, and what she drinks when she isn’t feeling well. I was confused and my throat was hurting. I think all I said was– “Ok. Yes.”

She punched some numbers into the cash register and said $17.95 please. I had a twenty in my hand…and there it went.

I know cold press juices are expensive, and I was fully prepared to spend seven dollars on juice, but not all my cash. So, what in the world happened?

On my way out the door I started doing math…

The fancy juice was like eight dollars. I agreed to a morning shot of lemon, ginger, celery, and cayenne pepper– that was three bucks. Then I agreed to another bottled shot to take later in the day. The bottle is about the length of my index finger. Isn’t it cute?

Yeah. That was almost six American Dollars!

I sat in my car still wondering what the heck I had just done, and realized there was no way the clerk could be telling me the truth. She said she drinks the combo she sold me for several days in a row when she is feeling under the weather. Impossible! Unless she makes six figures, which I guess she could make based on how much they charge per drink.

I will say, everything I had was delicious, and I do feel better. That may have more to do with the DayQuil than the juice, or maybe it’s both.

There you have it. I played the title role in the modern day version of Jack and the Beanstalk. Moral of the story? I’ll buy anything if I’m hopped up on cold medicine and cough drops.

I better feel perfect tomorrow.

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That’s Sea Law

Sometimes things don’t work out the way you thought they would, and that’s how I went from living in Germany to clinging to an aluminum rod and trying to keep down my lunch on a 37-foot sailboat in the Gulf of Mexico.

I’m a journalist, but I put that part of myself on hold, and did other fun stuff for the last year. Now I’m back in a newsroom– or will be tomorrow. Before I moved to OKC, N and I visited his dad and his dad’s sailboat. I get horribly seasick all the time every time, but I’m on this ‘try new things’ ridiculous kick and I convinced myself this time would be different. It wasn’t.

It was my first time on a sailboat and I planned to take cool pictures in my swimsuit and Ray-Bans, sunning myself by the sails. Instagram was going to get slammed with pictures of my face! Actually, I only managed to take one crooked blurry photo of the sails.

Do you know how hard it is to look cool while trying not to puke? Harder still to take good pictures. Apparently, I only succeeded in looking angry, but I always look angry, so whatever. The sunglasses did help fool everyone into thinking I was totally not about to blow chunks.

N’s dad started talking to me about how the helmsman has to keep the wind on his/her face while steering the boat, that the boat should be steered like a car with a loose steering wheel, and that sailboats have the right of way because… I don’t know…it’s sea law or something. I thought he was just making conversation, so I was all, “Yeah…Sure… Obviously… I totally get it.”

Mistake.

Moments later he said, “Ok, we’ll put the sails up you man the boat,” and walked away.

I just clung to this steering wheel the size of my body, and kept repeating, “Face, wind, loose steering wheels, don’t puke, don’t die, don’t knock these guys off the boat, I have the right of way.”

It went exactly as well as that time I played the guitar, that is to say, not well. Be glad you weren’t with me, or maybe be sad. It really depends on how much you trust me to keep you alive while I’m panicking.

I ended up driving in a circle. Seriously. N and his dad got hit on their faces with the sails because I couldn’t go in a straight line, but I didn’t crash or tip over, so… I’m basically a sailor now, no big deal.

I wasn’t the only one having a tough time. N got sea sick too, but he played it off better, or maybe his sunglasses covered more of his face.

He had a lot of fun working the sails and yelled,”I am like an expert sailor…”

Moments later he went to sit down, lost his footing, and broke some thermometer or something. He appropriately yelled, “I belong on the land.”

After a couple of hours we were sailing back to shore, and I was happy I never actually lost it. Then N said he saw a dolphin and he and his dad decide to explore.

What fresh hell is this! I tried to melt his face off with my death stare, especially because this supposed dolphin never reappeared.

Don’t feel too bad for me though, my father-in-law had offered me some sea sickness medication before we sailed way, and I was too cool to take it.

Sailing is fun. I know because I managed to have a great time in spite of my horrible sea sickness. Next time I’ll just take the damned pill.

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