I just returned from 7/11, where health nuts regularly buy their dinners. There, I came face to face with some kid and lost! I should have kicked that little brat.
Just kidding, I don’t kick kids, but I do want to, sometimes.
Here is the deal: I had a late lunch and didn’t want a real dinner, so I thought butter toffee almonds and a diet coke were the most logical choice. I live like two blocks away from a convenience store that has these things, so off I went.
I grabbed what I needed, but didn’t beat a mother with two loud children to the cash register, so I waited. I was silently judging the woman because she came to the convenience store with her kids specifically to buy them some ding dongs or twinkies or something, fully ignoring my own reason for being there. I’m a jerk.
Anyway, the woman’s daughter kept staring at me in that unnerving way children tend to do. I made extended eye contact with her a few times to make her stop, but it didn’t work. The little blonde was just staring, and even looked a little judgey standing there in her pink Bratz pajamas holding her pre-packaged pastry.
I couldn’t figure out why she kept looking at me, so I just stared back with a scowl for good measure. Finally the kid said, in the loudest voice possible, “Mommy, look, she has a doggie.” Her mother just ignored her.
I panicked for like a second. How does this little monster know I just got a dog? Is she a creepy psychic? Of course not, I’m educated, I don’t believe in those things– but wait, what if she is…
I look down, confused, and realize I was entirely covered in dog fur. Like, my black lulu’s look grey. It was gross, but I hadn’t realized I needed a date with a lint roller before I left the house.
I started laughing too loudly in the store after what the kid said, and her mother and brother turned to look at me as if I was crazy.
I realized, I had gone face to face with some kid, and lost. It wasn’t just because she totally burned me, but because to her I wasn’t even there. My clothes and their condition were just a mystery to be solved, which she managed to do very well. She never even talked to me, she just stared and wondered what was wrong with this woman’s clothes, and she made the right call.
Lesson learned, kid. I need to buy and use more lint rollers.